The following table provides an overview of the seven stages of psychological evolution, the approximate age ranges when these stages occur, an overview of the existential task at each stage, what is needed to complete the task and how the cultures we are embedded in can support our evolution. Following the table, you will find a description of each stage of development.
| Stages of psychological development |
Age range of each stage of development |
Overview of task |
Need requirements |
| Serving |
Late 50s to early 70s |
Fulfilling your destiny by caring for the well-being of humanity or the planet. |
Satisfying your need to lead a life of significance by being of service. |
| Integrating |
Late 40s to early 60s |
Aligning with others who share the same values and purpose to create a better world. |
Satisfying your need to make a difference by actualising your purpose. |
| Self-actualising |
Late 30s to early 50s |
Becoming more fully aware of who you are by leading a values- and purpose-driven life. |
Satisfying your need to find meaning through activities or work you are passionate about. |
| Individuating |
Late 20s to early 40s |
Letting go of the aspects of your parental and cultural conditioning that no longer serve you. |
Satisfying your need for freedom and autonomy by becoming accountable for your life. |
| Differentiating |
8 to early 30s |
Distinguishing yourself from the crowd by honing your skills and talents. |
Satisfying your need for recognition and acknowledgement for your skills and talents. |
| Conforming |
2 to 8 years |
Keeping safe and secure by staying loyal to your family, kin and culture. |
Satisfying your need for love, respect and belonging at home and work. |
| Surviving |
Birth to 2 years |
Staying alive and healthy in the best conditions possible. |
Satisfying your physiological and nutritional needs. |
Surviving
The quest for survival starts as soon as a human baby is born. The infant instinctively knows that it must establish itself as a viable entity if it is to remain in the physical world. (We will discuss where this will for survival comes from later.) At this stage, the infant is totally dependent on others to care for its needs. During the first stage of psychological development you have to establish your own sense of identity, separate from your mother, and learn how to exercise control over your environment so that you can get your survival needs met.
If the child is unable to get its survival needs met because its parents are not vigilant enough or it is abused by its parents or siblings, or left alone or abandoned for long periods of time, the child’s nascent ego will very likely form subconscious fear-based beliefs that the world is an unsafe place and that other people cannot be trusted.
If, on the other hand, the child’s parents are attentive to its needs, and are watchful for signs of distress, then the child will grow up with a sense of security and the feeling that others can be trusted. The feeling of being able to meet your physiological survival needs is the first and most important need of your ego-mind.
Conforming
During the next stage of psychological development, the conforming or self-protective stage, children learn that life is more pleasant and less threatening if they live in harmony with others—particularly their parents. The task at this stage of development is to learn how to feel loved and safe in your family group. Adherence to rules and rituals (conforming) becomes important because they consolidate your sense of belonging and enhance your sense of safety.
At this stage, children also learn beliefs and behaviours that allow them to maximise pleasure and minimise pain. If punishment is used to assure conformity, then the child may adopt a strategy of blaming others to avoid reprimands. If the child believes the reprimands or punishments are unjust or unfair, they may develop a rebellious streak.
If for any reason (usually because of poor parenting) you grew up feeling unloved or you don’t belong, your ego may have developed subconscious fear-based beliefs that you are not lovable, not respected and the world is unfair. Later on in life you may find yourself constantly seeking affection and wanting to find a group or community that accepts you for who you are.
If, on the other hand, your parents treat you with respect and consideration, but firmly insist that you live by fair and just rules, you will grow up feeling secure. Feeling loved by others and having a sense of belonging to a group or community, is the second most important need of your ego-mind.
Differentiating
During the next stage of psychological development, the differentiation stage, children want to feel recognized for the things they do well. The task at this stage of development is to develop a healthy sense of pride in your accomplishments and a feeling of self-worth. You want to feel good about who you are by being recognized and acknowledged by your parents and peers.
Your parents are instrumental at this stage of your development for giving you the positive feedback you need. If you fail to get this feedback, you will grow up with the subconscious fear-based belief that you are not good enough. You will feel driven to prove your self-worth. You may become highly competitive, attempting to seek power, authority or status so that you can be recognised as someone important or someone to be feared.
If your ego-mind does not get the reinforcement that it needs, you could grow up with a feeling that no matter how hard you try, recognition escapes you—the successes you achieve will never be enough. Feeling a sense of self-worth or pride in your accomplishments is the third most important need of your ego-mind.
If you were able to successfully transition through these first three stages of psychological development without significant trauma and without developing too many subconscious fear-based beliefs, then you will find it relatively easy to establish yourself as a viable independent adult person in your framework of existence (able to manage your internal stability and external equilibrium), providing you have the opportunities you need to earn a living that meets your survival needs.
Individuating
During the next stage of your psychological development—the individuation stage—which normally occurs once we are adults, in the late 20s or early 30s, we begin to transcend our physical and emotional dependence on our parents and the family, community or cultural group to which we belong, and we start to learn how to release or overcome the subconscious fears we learned about not having enough of what we need to survive, not having enough of what need to feel loved or not being enough to feel good about who we are.
Unlike the previous stages of psychological development that are thrust on us as we move from being an infant to a toddler to a child and then a teenager, individuation is a subconscious choice that depends on our willingness, once we feel secure in ourselves (when we have to a large extent satisfied our survival, relationship needs and self-esteem needs), to respond to the pull we feel inside, to becoming more accountable for our emotions and more responsible for our values and beliefs.
Learning to be accountable for your emotions involves releasing or overcoming the fear-based beliefs you developed during the first three stages of your development, about being able to satisfy your survival, relationship and self-esteem needs. This may require a long-term commitment to personal mastery and reprogramming your neural pathways with new belief structures.
Learning to be responsible for your beliefs and values can be challenging, especially if you grew up in a close-knit kinship or tribal culture, or an oppressive authoritarian regime where people are either dependent on each other for survival or where the pressures to conform are large. If, on the other hand, you grew up in a liberal democratic regime with self-actualized parents who took care of your basic needs and always treated you like a young adult, by teaching you to be responsible and accountable for your life and your emotions, then you will find the process of individuation relatively easy.
Those individuals who have been brought up by self-actualized parents and live in a liberal democracy may reach the individuation stage earlier than those who did not have these benefits. This is because the parental programming they received and the cultural conditioning they experienced supported them in mastering the first three stages of their psychological development while they were young.
Once you have learned how to master your basic needs and have established yourself as a viable independent individual in a larger world than the community you were brought up in, you may, after a certain amount of time, feel a natural pull towards the next stage of your psychological development—self-actualization.
Self-actualizing
The self-actualizing stage of psychological development involves learning to align the needs of your ego with the needs of your soul and leading a values-driven and purpose-driven life free from fear.
Leading a values-driven life means letting go of the decision-making modalities of the ego (beliefs) and embracing the decision-making modalities of the soul (values). The progress you make in this regard could well dictate how quickly you are able to manifest your soul’s purpose. You will need to learn to live with trust, empathy and compassion if you are going to achieve your full realisation.
Finding your soul’s purpose—your calling or vocation—usually begins with a feeling of unease or boredom with the work on which you depend for your livelihood. You may find your work no longer excites or challenges you. As you begin to discover your calling, you will feel a natural pull towards a new activity or a lifetime interest that you have pushed into the background—something you love to do that when you are doing it totally absorbs your interest. Uncovering your soul’s purpose—your personal mission—will bring passion and creativity back into your life and give you a deep sense of meaning and commitment.
Sometimes your soul’s purpose unfolds slowly in front of you. You get a feeling or thought about a change you want to make in your life. The thought keeps coming back and won’t go away. So you follow your inspiration: you do what it is you feel called to do. This leads to another thought or an opportunity: you follow that, and before too long you find yourself embarked on a journey that brings you into a state of flow: You find work that brings meaning to your life.
Finding your soul’s purpose and learning to live a values-driven life represents the first level of soul activation.
Integrating
Making the shift from self-actualization to integration involves moving from independence to interdependence. The level of fulfilment you feel as you implement this shift will depend on the quality of the connections you establish with other people and your ability to influence or impact the world around you.
The integrating stage of development involves fully activating your sense of purpose so you can make a difference in the world. As you progress down the path of making a difference, you begin to realize that the level of difference you can make could be significantly enhanced if you joined forces with other people who have a similar purpose. For this to happen, you will need to develop empathy.
The people you collaborate with will be people with whom you resonate: people who share your values and your sense purpose—people who are operating at a similar frequency of vibration and stage of development. You may also find yourself coaching those who are younger and less advanced in their development than you. You will be doing this to increase the resilience of the group you are embedded in, because everything you do will be focused on the common good.
Actualising your sense of purpose and integrating with others represents the second level of soul activation.
Serving
The last stage of psychological development involves leading a life of selfless service for the betterment of humanity and the planet. As you enter this stage, you will find yourself getting involved in actions to alleviate suffering and finding ways to preserve the world’s life-support systems for future generations—embodying compassion and living sustainably in everything you do.
When you reach this stage, you may find that your job and your workplace become too small for you to fulfil your calling. You may need to find a new and larger role, and more extensive arena for your work. You may become an elder in your community; you may become a mentor to those who are facing life’s challenges. You may care for the sick or dying; or you may find ways to support children or teenagers in dealing with the difficulties of growing up.
It does not matter what you do, when you reach this stage of development your purpose will in some way be focused on helping to improve the well-being of your family, your organization or the community and society in which you live. Deep down, you will begin to understand that we are all connected energetically, and that by serving others you are serving yourself.
Selfless service represents the third level of soul activation. You fully engage at this stage of development when you become the servant of your soul.7 When you have mastered this stage of development, and all the previous stages, you will have reached full self-realization.
The seven stages of psychological development occur more or less in consecutive order. You can jump a stage, but you will, at some point in time, have to come back and learn how to meet the needs of that stage before you can master the higher stages of development.
We begin our psychological journey by learning to survive, and we complete the journey by learning to serve. We start our lives in ego consciousness and if we are successful in meeting our deficiency and growth needs, we end our lives in soul consciousness.
Evolutionary Coaching 